This particular blog is about a LONG day that I had and I found myself feeling angry, pitiful, and self-centered. Here is my story...and how I walked it out...
I had a particularly long and hard day the other day. I've worked 37 days of 12 hr shifts (that is just for context, there are others who work a year at a time like that). The first week of that was 60+ hours of travel and then a week of 15, 17 and 21 hours of work. Then it leveled out.
Now a month into things, I had a particularly rough day. And of course this is on top of the fact that what little sleep I get, I am awakened by "noises" and concerns of personal security every hour.
So as that "bad" day ended at 14 hours, which means I was going to lose sleep because I had to be back at work in 10 hours. I missed the evening meal because I had worked through it and nothing is open at this time of the night. I was frustrated because the reason I worked late was due to writing a weekly status report. I grew angry rationalizing that the person who came on shift after me could have done it. But I said nothing and pressed in.
As I walked back to my room after work I was mad. Then as I walked I began to feel self-pity. I began to cry. Cry because I had to work late. Cry because I missed my meal. Cry because I was feeling sorry for myself. Then I got angry again. Why did I have to stay late? Why couldn't my counterpart have done it?
God began to show me Jesus. He showed me Jesus in the garden, at the most important moment of his life and his friends fell asleep. Did he get resentful? He showed me Noah and how Noah stood firm by God's promises for 90+ years through ridicule, just KNOWING it was going to rain. Noah arranged his whole life around the purpose God put in his heart.
The fact is that I just didn't have my routine down last week. This was my second time doing this report and to be honest, I should have been chipping away at it daily so that it wouldn't have piled up on Friday. The fact is that I took on this report from my coworker, it wasn't his responsibility, it was mine. The fact is that while things HAD been slow, all of a sudden a bunch of last minute requests came in Friday which filled up the shift and kept me from being able to work on that report. Across the board it was my own fault and lack of planning, but that didn't stop me from getting mad.
I was so angry, I could have spouted off so many things. But I didn't. I didn't do what I felt like doing, I did the right thing (it took EVERY bit of will power). I didn't say what I felt like saying, I bit my tongue.
Fatigue will create vulnerability in you. When you're tired, you may overcome in some areas, but the enemy WILL find the chinks in your armor. He will try to get you to falter. Did I pass this scenario with flying colors? NO! I'd say I bumbled through it. But by God's grace, I didn't ruin my witness. I didn't allow the situation to cause me to be a stumbling block for others. God did that. He pulled me through.
He reminded me that there is nothing I can endure that is any more of a challenge than what Jesus went through. Most of all, to remember that feelings and circumstances are fleeting and we are always more vulnerable when tired. Remember this. And be at-the-ready. If you can't be a blessing to someone, at least don't be a stumbling block! Don't get in God's way.
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