For many across all types of families, but especially at the child level, it is confusing to understand who to be loyal to and how to deal with new people in new roles in their lives.
A child feels the need to put people into the proper box, the parent box, the teacher box, the church box, the adults who are family friends box, the strangers box, the extended family box.... And historically, traditionally and societally, these boxes at times have an implied limited number of places. We all do it, it's how our brains work. It wants to compartment things neatly...
In today's world, the lines of what a defines a family have blurred...
When my parents were divorced I felt guilty that my Mom needed me when I was with my Dad. It was a challenge to choose which holiday to spend with whom. I was always torn. It was hard. Just as accepting stepparents and stepbrothers and sisters was a new experience. Figuring out my "place" in each family as my parents remarried, adapting to new "traditions" in the new families...it was a challenge. Children like consistency. To know what to expect. And a lot of new things thrown at them just makes it challenging to adjust.
Kids (and some adults) don't realize that love is something that is exponential.
There isn't just one love box per adult role with a limited amount of love in it to give.
So if the "parent box" is switched over from "birth parent" to "adopted parent"...then the birth parent doesn't have a place anymore?
No!
Both parents fulfill a unique role, meeting unique needs in each of their special ways, possibly at different times in the child's life. Maybe at the same time. There is room for all. At the very least to receive recognition as relevant and significant in a child's life.
To help the child understand it is not disloyal to embrace both in different ways and that it doesn't reduce the importance of either in their life.
As with any traumatic experience, if one doesn't know how to deal with it, they try to suppress the emotions which just continues to build over time. Or the emotions flare at different times.
The key is sharing coping skills with kids, to help them understand that it's ok to grieve, to miss family, to feel a sense of loss.
Helping them to give themselves permission and not to feel guilt when the feelings arise, to include helping them understand how they can vent and deal with those feelings.
A parent doesn't partition their heart to give a portion of it to each child. Each child gets it all. Love is that way.
Love originates from God and flows through us in an unending flow.
And a balanced, loving and accepting parent will help kids understand that it is ok to miss their family and help them understand how to deal with the sense of loss and that it isn't disloyal to the new family to have these feelings. It is important for them to understand that even if their birth parent isn't in their life, that parent never stops loving them. It's not a lack of love that caused the separation, but other circumstances.
My heart goes out to the tremendous amount of transition and adaptation that kids have to go through who are in foster care. As also for the parents who give them a home and genuinely try to support them in these transitional times.
May God watch over and have his hand of blessing on each and every child in foster care.
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
There is nothing that anyone can go through that God can't turn around for good and work out in their life showing His goodness and glory in this sin-filled world. Nothing. I've seen it in my own life.
Whatever you may be going through today, God is walking it out with you. He wants to help you. Acknowledge Him and He'll help you through it.
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