I never cease to be amazed at how strongly we can react to others who are interacting with us, when we are going through a growing process.
When I have a lot on my mind, for example, such as right now, it is the pressure of college, dating and trying to get to know someone long distance, spiritual growth and personal growth, I am more defensive. I may be more defensive towards other because their words may have more truth than they realize OR I am not standing on solid ground as I try to sort through what I think about things in my life and so that makes me more defensive because I am in such a vulnerable position.
It is the personal growth that is perhaps the biggest struggle (and that is combined with the spiritual growth). It means looking inside to the "why" of how I am and how others perceive me. Examining my actions and determining if they are genuine or "in place" as defense mechanisms. Trying to see how much I contribute to the perception others have of me.
(Perception is 9/10 of the law, Perspective is the other 1/10 that completes the full picture)
Often times people have a "front" that they put up and it is somewhat polished and what they approve for the world to see. It also protects them. And in part, we should be careful because it is not wise to give your entire self to the entire world...for we live in a sin-filld world full of people who would love to use that against us and to hurt us. However, rarely is this in balance...the part of us that we reveal vs. the part we protect.
As one person put to me, if I were to show vulnerability from time to time or "insecurity" or weakness, then maybe others would realize my need and reach out to me. The majority of the time, people only see the appearance of strength and confidence. It is likely that based on my confidence, they think I have it all figured out and I never need help, that I never need reassuring or encouragement.
In fact, when people view you in a position of strength, it is quite surprising to them when you do show a weakness or need. A vulnerability. And actually they can be quite shocked, because they never considered that you had a side to you like this. And THAT is our own fault. For not being more balanced. For not allowing people to see us as imperfect, for not allowing ourselves to be or appear average. For allowing others to keep us on that pedestal (family, friends, co-workers).
Perfectionism is a lie. It is not possible. It is not rewarding. It's not who any of us truly is. And it is an affront to Jesus for He is the ONLY perfect one who EVER has walked the earth. For us to strive for that is ridiculous, it's a trap, it's a lie and it's not possible to attain, so we will always feel as if we fall short.
What we often don't realize is that it's not the end result that is so rewarding, but the journey. The experience. Try playing a game with someone and being really competitive and winning. Do this over and over. Then... let them win. Or mix it up a bit. Maybe be goofy and have fun with it and just mess around during the game (of course, if they are willing to do the same). Just play to play, to have fun and embrace the game, but also to embrace the relationship and time with that person. Which is genuinely more rewarding? Winning or building that friendship? You can have all the trophies in the world at the end of your life...but you will be lonely if you don't have friendships.
Here is a test for perfectionism, try doing something you've never done, like fixing something, and work hours at it to get it just "perfect". Then think about how rewarding that was. Now spend 1/4 the time doing the same task, but do it sufficiently and imperfectly, but to the point of functioning. Now think about how that makes you feel and go do something fun with all of the additional free time you have. Perfectionism does not pay off, is not rewarding as it leads us to believe, and it is a waste of a life.
If you always win or always have to win or be the best, then you are setting a standard that is so high for yourself that life can lose it's luster. You will not be satisfied because you cannot attain that goal 100% of the time. And not only are you subconsciously setting that standard for yourself, you are letting everyone else know, through your actions, that it is your standard and they come to expect it of you. It's all subconscious programming. We do it to ourselves, we put ourselves in that position.
And it's not just our actions. Usually there are words to back up the actions and those words reinforce the actions that people see.
Being "driven" is not a good place to be. It has connotations of other issues beneath the surface, but many never bother to look that deep, either the person in the middle of it or those around that person. Being driven doesn't allow room for people to just "Be". For either that person or those around that person, to not be under a requirement to "perform" or meet a higher standard. What kind of life is that? To not be accepted as you truly are? Imperfections and all? And yet we back ourselves into this hole. It starts out as a small defense mechanism, and snowballs into others imposing this expectation on us.
And all it takes is being bold enough to see it for what it is and to begin to make small changes. Small changes in attitude. Small changes in how we speak. Small changes in how we think... In how we behave... And it begins to show and while some people may be skeptical at first and it may be an adjustment for them to realize that we are truly changing... Little by little... They will adapt, they will come around and they will come to accept us for who we really are.
And this is a process that requires God's help. For our identity has to be grounded in who HE says we are. If we trust Him and we trust what He says, then we can let it be "ok" to begin to show truly who we are. The person who is sensitive, vulnerable, weak...the person who loves life, experiences and embraces it...who is enjoying the journey and not constantly striving for the next destination, the person who gets their identity from God, not those who surround him/her...that person may show their weaknesses, but it requires great strength to do that. It is faith in God and His protection of us that allows us to be confident. It is His love that gives us the strength and boldness to BE who he created us to be. But we can embrace that only if we trust what Him. If we doubt God, well, we lose out on GREAT treasure from Him that resides within us.
My confidence falters when I move away from God and try to keep doing it on my own... You see he gives us the strength to do only so much in a day and he created in each of us uniquely, to be a special kind of person. But we believe the lies in the world around us and we think we have to "be" more and more and we have to keep trying and trying. That doesn't come from God. He doesn't require that of us. Not the empty superficial striving...
For women, the book "Captivating" captures this concept well. It describes how our busyness and striving to always be "something more" mars our beauty. And we strive because we believe one lie or another about ourselves. If we could cut through the lies and get to the Truth, THEN we can truly embrace who we are and who God intended us to be.
Being the REAL you is the boldest, most courageous, freeing and rewarding thing you can do for yourself. But the process to get back to that point, after a lifetime of defense mechanisms is painful...are you up for that challenge?
(Check out the song "God in Me" by Mary Mary on the mixpod player in the margin.)
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